Monday, May 10, 2010

I FAIL!!!!

***Disclaimer***** there will be lots of foul language in this at your own risk

As a working mom....I fucking fail miserably and I fucking hate the month of May!!!! I will start by telling you that I LOVE my job, love what I do....but I fucking hate letting my kid down, I hate that my kid actually thought that I was not going to be there for her Field trip...when the note that we got clearly stated that the movie was starting at 10 AM but they started it almost 30 minutes early, and I get there to find Youngest sitting in the dark....crying because she thought I wasn't coming...I let her down!!!!! I fucking wanted to stab myself!!!

When I was a stay-at-home mom...I was ALWAYS there for my girls...they never had to worry if I was going to be there or not. I was at EVERY school party, volunteered to Chaperon EVERY Field Trip, picked them up from school EVERY day, volunteered to work EVERY School Fundraiser, Room Mother, Room Mother Coordinator, and taught CCD at Church. Now I have a JOB and I am that Mother that has to get friends to pick up the Girls from school, friends to go to class parties, friends to do all the things that I want to fucking do!!!! I hate that Youngest really thought that I just wasn't coming.....I know what that feeling is like.....that feeling that "Everyone Else's mom is here except for MINE!" and I am here to tell you that there is nothing worse than that feeling....and that Youngest felt it for just a second.... it fucking killed me.

I came back to the office crying my eyes out because I have all this guilt inside of me...the guilt that I am taking advantage of my Boss, of my friend....that I have had to take so much time off be it for a Hysterectomy, a sick kid(youngest's week long stay in the hospital last November), Orthodontist Appointments, Beta Convention, Teacher Appreciation, Doctor Appointments, Field Trips, etc....I feel like my JOB is less important than McHusbands, I feel like I have a JOB but I am also responsible for the girls and their birthday parties, tumbling, cheer practice, games, fundraisers, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, orthodontist the house, doing ALL the laundry....and I am feeling stabby and bitter....

Being a working mother is so fucking hard....maybe it would suck less if my girls were a pain in the ass, if I didn't like them so freaking much...but I do, I really do like them and want to be with them ALL the time, I don't want to miss A THING.....

I hate asking for help, hate feeling like I am taking advantage of my friends, hate that I feel like I am failing as a parent....this feeling SUCKS MAJOR ASS!!!!


  1. Stop beating yourself up right now. What you do for your girls is above and beyond what other working moms do. Seriously. I know it sucks, that's why I'm dreading the day I have to go back to work because it will be here before I know it. Then you can tell me to stop beating myself up :)

  2. You are much too hard on yourself. Perhaps you need help in re-defining 'good mother' and 'bad mother'. Your children know you are there for them and that you love them very much as does all who know you. Delete the maditude/saditude list and replace it with a gratitude list.

  3. You are being way too hard on yourself. You're not a bad mother if you don't attend all of your children's events and games and field trips.

    My husband and I have been balancing our girls' schedules since I went back to work four years ago and it is hard, there's no question about it. We don't chaperone all field trips, but we do make sure that one of us goes on at least one per child each year.

    We also have talked with our girls about our responsibilities with work and how, if we can't make it to something at school, it's not because we don't love them, but because we have responsibilities to other people too and that we have to honor those commitments.