Monday, December 27, 2010

Mr. Not so Shiny

When I was talked into this Boot Camp thing by J, Legs, and Poppy; I really had no freaking clue what I was getting myself into....and now I am 4 weeks in and I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks!  I am the complainer...the one always making a face or comment about how bad it sucks and how it is NOT more fun than watching TV, curled up in my Big Ass chair(which is getting bigger and bigger everyday) and drinking wine or coffee or VODKA!  I have to fill my pain with humor, snark and sarcasim...it's who I am....it's what I do! It gets me through the pain.....that all these bastards healthy people are putting me through!

Last week J and I did something really smart....we went to Core Fusion on Thursday night(forgetting that we had Boot Camp on Friday morning) and Mr. Not so Shiny John was the Instructor....p.s. J and I were the only ones that showed up(other than Allie and Ms. D)....so you ask yourself if they went easy on us....I mean it would only be fare since we were ohhhhh so dedicated to not being FAT and FORTY that maybe he would be nice...NOT!  Also...John aka Mr. Not so Shiny is Ahhhhdorable...he has those really sweet eyes and when he smiles his whole face smiles....as oldest would say...."He has a Face made for a smile!" Well that sweet face is deceptive....and when I left there...he was so not my friend!

Friday morning at 5:15 AM we have Boot Camp..and who else but Mr. Not So Shiny is there to greet us....seriously why am I paying for this?  Oh yeah....I have lost 5.4 lbs in the past 3 wks and another dress size so I guess it's worth all the abuse I endured!  I set a goal for this whole Boot Camp thang...that I would drop 17 pds in 14 weeks....I am 11.4 lbs away from that goal and I just know with the help of Alli and Mr. Not so Shiny...I am totally going to kick my goals ASS!

I have to say as much as I complain and tell J that I hate her and we are breaking up....but I'm so keeping the earrings...I secretly love this whole exercise thing....the feeling I have when I leave....or when I get home...and through out the day...well, it's almost better than Patron........speaking of my lover Patron.....we are on a break!  I did have a glass of wine last night(only to finish the bottle..so it didn't go bad....I'm going green and trying not to be wasteful) but to tell you the truth....I think I am sort of on the Wagon........I used to love to have drinks...lots and lots of drinks...but now...not so much.  Weird....could it be all these changes that I am putting myself through.......that I have lost that loving feeling for my lover Patron?  Don't get me wrong....I'm not going to meetings or anything like that.....but right now I am so focused on not being FAT and FORTY....that I can't be bothered with the drinks......McHusband is tickled shitless...cause now I'm his driver....so he can drink like a fish swims and know that he will be safe and sound with Sober Suzy as his driver! 




P.P.S.
I can't tell you enough how much I like Alli.... I really want to not like her, John and the rest of her staff when they are making me do things I didn't think my body could do...or when I can't sit on the toliet or when I can't bend down because I am so sore.....but to be honest there is no other place I would rather become a healthier person at...they aren't judgy people....at least not to my face....they may laugh their asses off when I leave....but at least they wait till I am gone..... and that's just nice, Ya'll!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

H F H.....ho f*cking ho!!!!

I totally have the Christmas blues and I can't seem to shake this funk that I am in......I will start by saying that Captain Douche Bag Mchusband has been working some FU-CRAZY jacked up hours and I am starting to feel like a Single Parent...which I totally didn't sign up for!  Also....people are just down right rude during this Holiday Season...What gives?  Why does the Season turn so many in to total ASSHATS?

Sunday the girls went to Lafayette with VKB...so I planned on doing Christmas Shopping and wrapping all the gifts....which I have yet to buy!

Monday I was at Ross and a lady ran over my foot with her shopping cart....then 3 minutes later another lady ran over the SAME foot with her shopping cart...and before one of you smartasses says something about me laying in the middle of the isle....I wasn't!!!!!! The second lady looked at me..and I was all "Really, you just ran over my foot with your shopping cart....why are you looking at me....did you want to apologize?".....and I swear to you she said "NO"....and walked off.  I did a WhoooSawww...took my items to the front, checked out and went home...waving my white flag! 

It's down to the final hour for me to get my shopping done....so I head to Target yesterday...where I spend about 2hrs doing ALL of my shopping!  Oh, how I heart Target!  Oldest wanted a pair of Toms last year she said these were dreadful shoes when I mentioned she should get some  .....this was on the TOP of her list...and absolute have to have item.....and because I live where I live there is only one place that sells TOMS and it is a trek! I get a phone call from VKB....youngest is running a fever, crying and wanting her mommy...yes me!  Again, WHOOOOOSAWWWWW...deep breathing....I can do this....I can do it all....I'm not going to snap, I'm not going to snap....VKB meets me in Crowely...get the girls and turn around to head back home.......get youngest settled in my bed and start wrapping Christmas......I finally finish about 1:15...and even got to see Captain Douche Bag McHusband.....Oh, yeah...while wrapping gifts...I cooked, did 3 loads of laundry, washed the sheets on Oldest's bed and made the bed for company that will be here TODAY!!!!!  The icing on the cake.....my Soniccare toothbrush FUCKING broke...so I had to brush my teeth like a freaking cavewoman....God is testing me and I am an EPIC FAILURE!!!!!!  Upside is this morning at 5am I got up..opened one of my stocking stuffers and beat the shit out of the air with Billy Blanks...you know it's bad when I resort to working out!!!!! WTF?

Buttah is in the hooooouuuussssee!!!

Some of y'all know me, and some of y'all don't. So let me give ya a little run down! My name is Buttah. Snarky Corner and I have been friends for 11 years now. Her Oldest was only 11 months old when we met, so I have had the priviledge of watching her Lovelies grow up! Snarky is my BESTIE!!! She has been there for me through thick and thin! How did we meet you ask? We were working out at Curves here in town, and we always went in at the same time. First time I laid eyes on her I thought, "She looks like a total bitch." And funny thing, she thought the same exact thing about me!! Well, one day we happened to fall into a conversation and learned that we had a ton in common. So we started walking at the Civic Center after our workouts and we have been friends ever since! Snarky is such an important part of my life, she was also my birthing coach since Beer Man, my husband, was of no help since he passed out when I told him my water broke and had a major panic attack until C-man, our sweet little boy was out. Snarky was there for me, 4th degree episiotomy and all!! She truly knows me inside and out, pun intended!! Don't get me wrong, it hasn't always been peaches and cream...we have had our ups and downs, but we are each other's sticky booger....ain't no shaking either one of us off! I couldn't imagine my life without her!



So now that you know a little more about me then some care to, on to my thought for the day.....Be positive!! I know that we all have hard times in our lives, whether they be emotional, financial, medical, whatever, that we get down and out. That we can be Negative Nancies. But you know what? Not only are we down, but we can also bring others around us down. And I know that some of these situations can be pretty bad, and it might be hard to find something positive to come from this negative situation, but dammit y'all, the only way to get out of that funk is to be positive!! If everyone that was told they had cancer just rolled over and gave up, then we wouldn't have the joy of celebrating great things like Breast Cancer Survivor walks, or any other cancer survivors for that matter, cause there would be none!! We would all be depressed and the world would be nothing more than an ugly shade of gray!! Gray is a nice color, but come on now....who wants to look at that 24/7?? If I lost my job today, I wouldn't be dependent on the damn government for unemployment wages, I would go be a greeter at the Wal-Mart until I found something that suited me better, "Welcome to fucking Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!" See, I would totally be good at it!! But do you get my drift? Take something bad and make it better!! You know, the whole lemons and lemonade saying!! And add a little sugar and vodka to that....and it's a party y'all!! I have a friend that has a saying at the end of every email he sends....Think positive and life will become positive!



So yesterday, Snarky texts me about someone in her life that is totally bringing her down with all of their Negative Nancy-ness. And I know this person, so I could totally understand where her concern was coming from. My response was this, " you know, if negative people spent as much time being positive as they do being negative, they would attract way more positiveness and would discover bliss!" I know, pure genius right?? But it's the truth!! One can only take so much negativity for so long before it starts to affect them and their relationship with the negative person!! You can feel their nasty aura coming a mile away! So much, that it makes us twitchy just to hear their voice!! My whole point to all this....stop being so damn negative, or we are gonna start shipping y'all to a deserted island and y'all can all be miserable asshats together!! I'm just kidding of course, but those of us that try to find something good in our day, something to smile about, some good in our heart to spread to someone else.....want all of you negative folks to think twice about what you say, and do. Because your shitty mood....affects everyone around you, and the way they in turn think about you, and treat you. Besides, you could always have it worse than you do.



Be thankful and appreciative for what you do have and the people that love you! Be positive! Life can only get better! There is always tomorrow to look forward to. I'm about to break out in song y'all....."The sun'll come out...tomorrow!!" I do that sometimes...sorry! Snarky has learned to hear my beyouteeful singing voice all the way down Ryan Street!! I will stop rambling now....your regularly scheduled programming will resume in 3....2....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pay it forward....do you believe?

I am a big believer in Paying it forwrd....are you? 

An Elf by the name of Josh Rogers just came in my office....donating the Christmas Meal and a little something extra for the Breaux-Perkin's family.



Josh's generosity continues to leave me absolutely speechless. Josh is the main reason that there is a "Snarky Corner"....it was his character that was attacked....that I felt needed to be delt with! I love him and his wife...and they will always hold a special place in my heart! 

P.S. Please go pay  Josh at OB's Bar & Grill a visit!

From the home and hearts of Jennifer Breaux and André Perkins,


Christmas time is here at last. It will the be the second Christmas for us this year, as we had a true Christmas-in-April. Two days before Easter, we were blessed with the greatest gift- custody of Andre's four children. They are wonderful kids and bring joy to us daily. Prior to living with us, they had experienced little in their lives, so nearly everything is exciting and new to them. Raised in a very isolated and restrictive environment, they had never experienced the joy of celebrating a birthday, learning to swim, or even going to school. They came to us nearly illiterate. The children had been "home-schooled" and lacked even basic phonetic skills and had never even heard the word science. The lack of development was severe- the twelve year old was unable to read words such as 'milk' or 'rice.' It was very hard to deal with on an emotional level. I took for granted how lucky I was to be literate and educated.

They were enrolled at Prien Lake Elementary and S.J. Welsh for the final six weeks of last year. Both schools have been wonderfully accommodating to their situation, and the kids are making leaps and bounds. The younger two children, Andre and Akeilah, have both become "A.R. Reading Heroes" at Prien Lake and are very proud of this accomplishment - Akeilah wears her AR dogtag constantly. When I walk in a room to see them reading leisurely, I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. Akyrrah, the older girl, now plays clarinet and hopes to join choir. Jeffery, the oldest, loves sports, but was unable to play due to age restrictions, though he made both the football and basketball teams during tryouts.

We are so luck to watch them grow, learn and dream. I hope to remind everyone to never take for granted the gift that is an education.

André and I have all we could have asked for this Christmas, but I can't say the same for the kids. It has been an uphill battle to keep them however. Doctor bills, tutoring, the constant need for new school uniforms (they grow so fast!) and the lawyer fees (still accruing) have put a strain on our finances. The kids understand and are not expecting much, but it would be wonderful if we could give them each something, even if it's small. They're really good, sweet-natured children.


Left to right: Akyrrah (13), Akeilah (9), Andre (11), Jeffery (15)

Jeffery (15): the athlete. loves the Saints, football, basketball, plays piano and the drums
Akyrrah (13): our girly-girl. Plays clarinet, sings, loves doing hair and accessories (boots, purses, hair clips, etc.)
Andre (11): our little soldier. Loves GI Joe, adventuring through the woods, and play swords. In Boy Scouts
Akeilah (9): the artist. Loves to paint, sculpt, just create things in general and is now an avid reader!

Hand-me-downs are great, especially school uniforms!
Boys wear L (12-14) & M (8-10) size shirts; 16 & 12 size pants.
Girls wear M (10) & S (6-7) size shirts; 12 & 8 size pants.

I hope your Christmas is as blessed as ours.

Cheers,

Jennifer Breaux & André Perkins

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Zumba is not for this White Girl

My enemy friend, Angela calls me Tuesday morning and is all "Hey..Zumba tonight at Spar, want to go" and I'm all "Hey lemme check with McHusband and I will get back to you." Oldest and I went and met Angela for Zumba. I have seen the infomercials and I have watched countless Youtube videos....and I am thinking this will be awesome...it will be so much fun...NOT! Lets just start with this: NO ONE should ZUMBA without first going to Happy Hour! I have always thought that I could dance...I could totally shake my groove thing with the best of them. I looked like I was having a SEIZURE...not to mention...I forgot the basic fundimentals of LEFT and RIGHT....seriously...ZUMBA made me completely loose my mind. Not to mention I had Oldest there laughing her ass off at me....real boost to the Self Confidence! In the end...I did sweat but not really sure it was because of the workout or the utter humiliation of it all! Zumba should be done in the privacy of your own home with all the doors and drapes shut....not in PUBLIC!!!!

Project Fit...Core Fusion...Boot Camp...OH MY!

Tuesday I did a Core Fusion Class at Project Fit. I wasn’t even really sure I had a core…but Thursday when I tried to get out of bed…I found my core and it was sore…in fact I was quiet sure that McHusband had beat me with a baseball bat while I slept…he denies this of course,so I only have Allie and Project Fit to blame.

I let J talk me into doing this Maintenance Boot Camp for the next 14 freaking weeks! J and Legs came and picked me up at 4:45 AM...yes you heard me correct...I said 4:45 AM and we headed to Project Fit. Little Miss. Poppy Cock was there and her friend The Bunny too...and somehow I managed to wedge myself in between these two fitness junkies! Seriously half way through this I am thinking...WTF have I done...this is NOT more enjoyable than watching my DVR while drinking coffee, snuggled with my blankie in my Big ASS chair! Good new is....I didn't die and I finished....while I may not have been pretty doing it...I did it and finished. I did try and kick The Bunny off her ball...but when she said she would fall and fake an injury...I was all "OH BUT HELL NO!!!...you will suffer right along with this FAT girl!" I may have told J and Miss. Poppy Cock that I was going to break up with them about 300 times! I secretly loved the class and I am really enjoying this new found energy that I have....it is amazing what happens when you loose a 4th Grader! I had to set a goal for Boot Camp....so here it is. My Goal for the next 14 weeks is to loose 17lbs. I am working my arse off and I just know I can do it! As Allie says "It's all about the Climb" Of course this is coming from Ms. Project Fit herself...and if she weren't so damn nice...I would hate her guts...but as it stands she is too sweet to hate! Check out her website at http://projectfit.net/

Halloween recap....

I totally forgot to share with everyone about Whore O Ween Halloween. October 31st is my friend Cooney's birthday...which to me is just hysterical because Cooney is scared of everything scary...be it a spyder, ghost, zombies...whatever, she is a big chicken butt! With that being said...I love her guts! Hot Matt(her man)planned a nice dinner with friends to Lake Charles' finest Mazens....and we had a lovely meal and afterwards Cooney and friends were going out....and she asked McHusband and I to join them. Let me start this by saying...it's been like 13years since I've been to a bar. We went to Bourbanz a shithole dive of a bar a very exclusive bar in Lake Charles.....and much to my surprise; almost every woman in that bar was dressed like a WHORE...and I do mean WHORE! Honestly I thought we were at a nudey bar ya'll! Lucky for me Cooney and Julia were there and they are equally as snarky as me...so it was great fun. At one point this girl walked in, in a prison dress...very realistc right..cause they wear dresses in prison, she started doing a lap dance on some poor homely girl that was wearing a sash and tiara that said it was her Birthday......I do have to say that Prison Girl had a smokin hot body and we were ALL enjoying the show she was putting on....I was DD and drinking water(trying to set the stage for you)...When Prison Girl turned around I dropped my water....because she had a face that would scare a grown man in PRISON! If fact I thought she had a mask on...but no it was her face....it did get even better with Prison Girl...she went to the bathroom and returned to the dance floor totally getting her groove on again...with toliet paper on her stripper boot! PRICELESS!!!!!!

I missed the memo on Halloween turning into WHORE O WEEN....and I am a little pissed that no one warned me before we went out! I loved Halloween when it was scary...or even funny...but this WHORE O WEEN....is just fantastic....next time I will be prepared with my camera because it must be recorded for us all to enjoy.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Heavy Heart

There has been too much death in my children's lives....too many tragic endings to life.

Yesterday we learned that their classmate's father killed their mother and then killed himself. Word's cannot express my heavy heart for these children that are now left without parents to hold them, tuck them in at night, read them a bedtime story, stroke their head when they are sick, hold their hand when they are scared, cheer them on when they succeed......How will they ever recover from this? These girls are beautiful, smart, funny, and so full of life.......now their hearts are heavy and sad for the loss of both of their parents.

Please put this family in your prayers
.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Taking the F out of Fat Wicked Bitch....one pound at a time!

Life has been an all new level of Crazy the past few months......with the shedding of weight has come a heightened level of energy that I didn't realize I was lacking. I don't believe that I have spent a whole weekend couching or watching hours of DVR recordings in months. I have lost 56pds...which is the equivalent to a 2nd grader or Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie(put together).....that is just Fu-Crazy.

My mom came in this past weekend....it was the first time she has seen me in a few months.....needless to say she was blown away! She made me feel so great....seeing how my Outlaws didn't say a word when I saw them the week before! Mom, the girls and I went to Lafayette to see VKB...I have had more fun the past two weekends helping her get her house back in order after her remodel....I don't know if I have ever laughed as hard as I have with her....she puts the Fu in Fu-Crazy! Maybe it's the ability she has at laughing at herself..almost as much as I laugh at myself that draws us together in such a way....whatever it is....it's been good for my soul! Thanks VKB...I love your guts!

Jackie Warner and I have a love hate relationship....while that Lesbian is kicking my ass in the mornings I am cursing her out....and I hate her ever loving guts, but when I step on the scale or look at a picture of myself....I have never wanted to kiss another woman on the mouth so bad! As I have said before her book "This is why your fat" has become my saving grace.....I have had so many Ahhhhaaaaa moments while reading it...if you haven't already gotten it...what the hell are you waiting for? Target has it for $17.50...go, go now and get it!!!!!

My friend J is doing a Boot Camp right now and she is Kicking Major Ass.... and as I have said before she inspires me...and I plan on doing the boot camp in the spring....hopefully by then I won't embarrass myself too much. J and I will be Hot & Hungry in no time....goodbye Fat & Forty!!!!!

So for now....I am living life....not watching life pass me by. I have energy to do things with my girls and McHusband. This weekend McHusband is off to slay deer....Oh how I love Deer Season..what it means for me is I can watch endless Chick Flicks and have lots of girl time without hurting McHusband's feelings, if he had any that is! I asked that Fucker last night if he was going to miss me this weekend? His answer..simply NO and I was all...you could have lied to me and said you will miss me like air! He was all...and you will miss me too, right? He got me.....My StepMonster and my sister are coming in for a girls weekend....and I can't freaking wait!!!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

San Antonio is my Eutopia....or maybe it's just Texas !


There is just something magically delicious about San Antonio and all that the city has to offer. J and Fleur De'Fabulous and I took a road trip this weekend..without children or husbands and it was absolutely FANTASTIC! I had a conference.....and lets be honest....the chance to take a trip with Girlfriends makes me warm and fuzzy inside! We got in late Friday evening and went to Me Tierra to eat a late dinner....if you have never been there...you need to put that on your list of places to eat...it's Divine! Saturday morning we woke up early and hit the pavement for some exercise. We walked the entire Riverwalk and then walked through downtown San Antonio back to our Hotel....the Riverwalk is just breathtaking at 7:30 in the morning...it's quiet and peaceful.

I got ready for my conference and took off to The Menger Hotel(across from the Alamo)...we broke out for a long lunch and took off to yet another wonderful Mexican Restaurant...and it was Fabulous too! At the end of the day my Conference was over...that evening we went to the Market and walked around...doing a little window shopping and listened to a band....we met up with the ladies from the conference at Me Tierra's and had a drink and visited.....then we headed back to the Riverwalk.....we did so much walking this weekend...it was awesome! We got a table at the Iron Cactus...which is my all time FAVORITE restaurant.....and yes it is Mexican too! I found a new friend in San Antonio....his name is Tequilame' ....check it out http://www.tequilame.com
I enjoyed the SkinnyGirl Margarita (Thanks Bethany Frankel)....it was the most fabulous Tequila ever....thinking of writing Mr. Patron a Dear John letter...that's how yummy the Tequilame' is....it is also made in San Antonio! So not only does San Antonio have the most Fabulous people but the best Tequila EVER! No one in San Antonio will admit it to me...but I believe there must be a secret code/boot camp you have to go to in order to live/work in that city.....I have yet to find one RUDE, NASTY person in that city....of course I am quite sure that is because they are all living in my town. San Antonio is my Disney world...it is magical, calming, inviting and just awesome Ya'll! My shitty attitude improves every time I visit...I might actually be a really nice person deep, deep down if I wasn't surrounded by such shitty people all the time!

Friday, October 15, 2010

FU-Writers Block.....and Hot & Hungry!

Well...it's been brought to my attention that I have not posted in almost a month...and certain people are tired of seeing Life's been Fu-Crazy....but honestly it has! I am going through some changes right now....and trying to figure out just how much I want to share on my blog is really challenging my ability to write about anything else. So in order to cure my writers block....I've got to share the good the bad and the ugly!

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror a few months ago(I try to avoid mirrors, except for the small one I use to apply my makeup) and I didn't recognize the girl that was looking back at me....I cover my insecurity with my humor; poking fun at myself first...before someone else does. I have always been Snarky and Funny but I have become the Snarky, Funny Fat Girl. I love being Snarky....I love being funny....I love making people laugh, even if they are laughing at me....I just don't want to be fat anymore. Like my friend J and I say all the time...we would rather be
Hot & Hungry than Fat & Forty.
J got a jump start on me and she has inspired me.... to find the Hot & Hungry girl inside of me.....I love her! She is FU-MAZING!

I explained to Fish Bait today that something clicked a few months ago...before I made the CHANGES; I started looking at food different....sought the help of a nutritionist and started reading everything I could about the effects of food on my body. One of the things I discovered is; I was like a meth head...but my drug of choice is food.....thankfully it didn't make my teeth fall out or give me those really fucked up sores all over my face...or make me go sell my body for my next fix. Food is my crack, it is my addiction, my crutch, my fix....Except it isn't fixing anything...it's just made things worse and I lost myself....

So I have made major changes....and so far I have lost 47lbs and 4 dress sizes....I am no longer having to buy clothing with a "W" behind it(Which I believe secretly stands for WIDE not Women)!!!!! My feet aren't hurting, I am sleeping, I have energy and I am starting to like the girl I see in the mirror. Last night it was Queen's Birthday and we went to her Castle to celebrate with her. As I looked around the table at the beautiful women I have in my life....I almost cried......For some reason God has blessed me....and I give thanks to him... I did ask him on my way home from Queen's house what have I done to deserve these women? I personally don't know what they see in me, why they are my friends, why they love me....I know why I love each one of them...they are loyal, loving, kind, generous, supportive and Fu-Funny!

My bible is "This is why your Fat" by Jackie Warner. She is one BAD ASS LESBIAN....and I love her guts!!!!! I will go into more details about Jackie's book later...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Life has been Fu-Crazy!

I haven’t had a chance to even think about posting…..life has been Fu-Crazy! The girls started school, which means freaking homework, school supplies, school uniforms, reading…..and all that School brings on. I have to say that I didn’t miss the girls going to school…we had a hellagood summer and I am totally pissed that it is over! I love late nights with the girls, no bedtime, no stress of homework or AR reading….both of my girls HATE to read and that drives me FU-Crazy…cause I love reading more that I love McHusband…not really but sort of.

Youngest tried out and made the Bulber Youth Orchestra….she is playing the Violin and absolutely loves it. Oldest is still not really sure what she wants to do, because she is limited to what day is “Convenient” for her…you see Mondays are no good because she is exhausted from the weekend, Tuesday she has a lot of homework, Wednesday she has CCD at Church….so that really only leaves Thursday. Fridays are out because of Jr. Cotillion. Interesting enough….she can’t find something that will work around her schedule.


McHusband has been working like a dog and trying to get ready for Hunting Season and the girls can't wait to go hunting with Daddy! Do you know what that means for me?????? WEEKENDS TO MYSELF....ALL ALONE WITH A GREAT BOOK...OR WITH GREAT FRIENDS! Oh, how I love Hunting Season!!!!!

Well, the girls and are off to Texas for the weekend. Leaving McHusband home alone with the Dogsm YIKES!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's my Birthday! Yes Biotches it's still my Birthday!




First week of school for Oldest and Youngest....what a week! After our camping trip and getting the girls ready for school....I needed a weekend at the house. Nicolocity had gotten us tickets(surprise) to see Natalie Merchant in H-Town for my Birthday....but my house was a WREAK and I had close to 12 loads of laundry to do... I had to decline, I know she was disappointed... hope she doesn't stay pissed at me for long. Oldest had a list of school supplies she still needed, as if the $100.00 I had already spent wasn't enough!

Friday, I was getting text's from all of my friends wanting to go to dinner for my Birthday....I wasn't in the mood to go out....just hang at the house would be nice. Friday afternoon I sent out a text to my people. I thought maybe a few would come but much to my surprise....everyone accepted our last minute invitation. Friday night Oldest spent the night with The Rose and Youngest spent the night with Lil Country Girl....I picked up the house and sorted laundry. VKB came in from Lafayette for a funeral and stayed with us.

Saturday, I cleaned house like a crazy person...my people started to arrive around 6ish..McHusband grilled hamburgers, hotdogs, sausage....there was not a shortage of food. In the end, we had 24 adults and 13 kids....not bad for a last minute shout-out.

As I stood in my kitchen and looked at all the faces of my friends....I couldn't help but think....I love that I am getting older, these women that I have in my life are unbelievable. Fishbait, J, Buttah, Lil J, Kitty Kat, Caro, Angelina, Cooney, VKB, Mrs. Stilletto's...they are such bad ass women and I am so glad to have them in my life.....and their husbands aren't total douche canoes...well at least for the most part!


McHusband and the girls got me a Keurig Coffee maker for my birthday...so excited about that.

I got this card from my friend J..."True friendship comes quietly, without planning."

Oh, how true that is....I never in a million years thought I would be so lucky to have such FABULOUS BITCHES in my life....but I do!

So for all you haters out there...SUCK IT!

I am going to rock the shit out of my Forties!!!!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Tales from the Drunk Side......

Cake that my bad ass friend made for me!

Our camping trip to Cajun Palms was a hellagood time! McHusband and I invited our friends Mr. Skyy and Angelina Swolelee to bunk with us. I knew it was going to be a fu-fantastic time by the car ride alone! We were the last ones in our group to arrive at the campground. Not only did I have the bread and rolls for dinner...I, apparently also had the "BOX-O-FUN" too. It's been awhile since we have all been camping together... I forgot how much I missed my people.

Friday night was pretty low key....everyone just hanging out and catching up. Saturday, Angelina, the girls and I went to see my new baby nephew. Angelina is a professional photographer...and offered to come with to take pictures of the new baby-how nice was that? We tried to do a little shopping but Lafayette was fu-crazy...so we headed back to the campground. McHusband, Mr. Sky, Angelina, and the girls all headed to the pool.....I needed a little quite time.

Skullet and Drummer Boy were in charge of dinner for Saturday night...and boy can they cook....everything was AHHHMAZING! I was sitting visiting with MiniMe...when I hear "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you"....I am looking around wondering who they are singing to-they are walking to me...and I am all....WTF? Angelina made me a birthday cake.....FROM SCRATCH....no store bought, 2 day old cake for me! I blew out the candle, tried to contain myself..but I couldn't....I couldn't believe that she went through that much trouble for me! I totally don't think I am worthy to have such FU-Awesome friends in my life. I freaked out and had to go to our trailer...where I cried like a baby...Mrs. Buttah came in to see about me...and I was all "I can't believe ya'll did that!" and she was all...."We love you" and I was all.."Why?"...and she was all "Because you are the shit!" and I was all "I fu-hate you bitches!" and she was all "No You don't...you fu-love us!" She is totally right...I fu-love the shit out of my friends!

Once the kids were all tucked away in the campers....Patron, Limes, and Jello Shots came out....The ladies and I slammed Patron Shots...till they all tapped out one by one! The boys were a bunch of girls...they did all the Jello Shots! One of our friends oldest son was being a dick...and was a total buzz kill..and I was not going to let him come between me and Patron or as Rachel from Big Brother would say "He is not coming between me and my man!"....so I may have interjected...and he puffed up to me....but McHusband stopped him before he could say anything(SO HOT). That was really the only semi Redneck thing that happened that weekend...Oh shit...memory...Mr. X-Ray had moonshine and homemade hot tamales.....that was totally Redneck!

I thought for sure I would hurt the next morning..I cautiously opened my eyes one at a time and very carefully got out of bed.... I almost broke out in SONG...I felt fu-mazin!!! Can't wait to do it again! There is something to be said for the powers of GREEN TEA! Intoxicate and Hydrate....say it with my people...Intoxicate and Hydrate!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Patron, Tito, Lemons and Limes....oh my!











It's my Birthday month...we gonna party like it's my Birthday! I went to Sam's this morning to get provisions for our camping trip to Cajun Palms in Breaux Bridge, La.
When I walked passed the liquor...I heard a voices saying "Pick me, Pick me!" I thought it was Tito talking to me because he is my BFF and always treats me right! I put him in my shopping cart...but I still heard "Pick me...I said Pick me!" Patron and I have recently rekindled our love affair on the field trip to the Coastal Bar at Pecan Island. So Patron, Tito and I are headed to Cajun Palms this weekend to party with our Friends....stay tuned for the Tales of the Drunk Side....if I don't have amnesia!!!!

P.S. Buttah and I made 100 jello shots for this party.....11 campers/24 adults...WHOOOHOOOO, hold on tight it's gonna be a Wicked Ride!

Bieber Fever...Suite Style

I will admit first that I do have Baby by Justin Bieber on my IPOD....I will follow that by saying...I share an ITunes account with my girls-so stop judging me!!!

Oldest had a mad crush on Justin about a year ago and lucky for me it seems to be dissipating. My friend J and I brought the girls to the Houston Rodeo earlier this year and had to endure about 30,000 screaming girls...I thought...note to self-NEVER AGAIN!!!!



Fast forward to August 1st. My Aunt Precious is a VP at Cox Communications and she invited the girls, my Aunt VKB and her daughter(we will call her KittyGirl) to be her guests for The Justin Bieber concert at the CajunDome in Lafayette, La. Did I mention that it was in the Cox Communication Suite, Catered, VIP Parking Pass and we didn't have to wait in line, with the common people to get in.... "Let them eat Cake"....Ohh, sorry...I just went a little Marie Antoinette there!!! I have to tell you....Justin Bieber not half bad, while viewing in a suite. Oldest was not feeling well at all....and youngest was more excited that Aunt Precious brought her favorite Cuzan as the surprise guest. When we were leaving the Cajundome, Aunt Precious was pointing out to Youngest and KittyGirl the Cox Communication sign...and told them to say thank you Cox. Youngest said "Who is Cox?" and KittyGirl answered "Your Friend in the Digital Age".....everyone in the car started to laugh.....and if I have confused anyone....that is the line for their commercial....verbatim!

I expect to see KittyGirl featured on an upcoming Cox Communication commerical soon.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Frienemy

Frienemy - A "toxic" person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm.

As I approach my 40's the thought of having frienemies is sort of ridiculous....but there are a few still out there, lurking in the shadows....waiting for you to slip up, so they can pounce on you and eat your face off. I have managed to rid myself of most of these women but there are still a few that I can't seem to shake off....sort of like a sticky booger. So.....what to do?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Makes Me Happy



I heart music and every now and then I find a song that I just can't get enough of...you know the kind of song that you can just put on repeat and play over and over again? I get my love for truly meaningful music from my Dad. When I was little I can remember listening to Cat Stevens, Van Morrison, Steve Nicks; over and over. He has always listened with his soul, not just to the beat of the music! I downloaded all of my/his music to his external hard drive and created him an ITUNEs account and gave him an IPOD. Saturday mornings is our time to talk...uninterrupted by the madness that is my life. He will call and usually the conversation will start with...."I was listening to music and I thought of you." My song for my Dad is Brown Eyed Girl or anything David Gray. Here's to my Dad....I love his Guts!

My mad crush is Matt White Band.....I can't stop listening to this one particular song. Music is not just background noise for me....I have to listen to music that makes my heart tighten up, gives me goose bumps, makes me cry, makes me smile. Right now I am all about happy tunes...


And then there is the Beautiful Ingrid Michaelson




And I've saved the best for last....my heart beats a little faster and my head bobs when I hear Corey Smith....Corey is my true music love. Oldest wrote a paper a few years ago about someone famous she would like to meet...she wrote it on Corey Smith. I emailed that paper to Corey and he gave us 4 tickets to a show at the House of Blues in Houston. Oldest, Youngest, my sister and I went backstage and met him.....He was everything I thought he would be. Humble, Shy, Sweet and Funny.



Life is good....when mixed with music!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sha Sha's of Creole



Spending time with my Family down at Pecan Island has rekindled my love for everything South Louisiana. I'm a Texas girl at heart, ya'll....but the one thing Louisiana and I share is a love for food and family.

Sha Sha's of Creole opened in Downtown Lake Charles...it is seriously the most AHHHDORABLE place. The waitstaff wear white rubber boots and most of the girls have decorated theirs...(we call those Cameron Reebok's). Sha Sha's has a simple, down home, tried and true menu....from hamburgers, fried catfish, fried pickles(my all time favorite), shrimp po-boys, seared tuna. The desserts!!!!! OHHHHHH MY GAWD, Ya'll! On Friday and Saturday evenings they have bands come and play some chanky chank music. Sha Sha's has this beautiful bar and this super long table that looks just like a fishing pier. The table's in the bar are from the old Sha Sha's in Creole that they salvaged after Hurricane Rita and brought to the new Sha Sha's.
Honestly Ya'll this is one of those places that warms your heart the second you step in the door. If you are ever in Lake Charles......you betta stop at Sha Sha's and eat some Fried Bread Pudding......it is HELLAGOOD.

***Sha Sha's of Creole located @ 609 Ryan St * Lake Charles, La.*494-7227***

And no....I was not paid for this! You JackAss!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Booth (comma to da top)s



On one of my outings with my Cuzan's we stopped at Booth(comma to da top)s.....and if you haven't watched Cajun Onstar...you absolutely must watch...it is "FU-FUNNY"!

Do I have Vodka in my Teeth?













I spent a weekend of drunken debauchery...I mean, spiritual bonding with my Aunts and Cuzans (cousins…..for all you Yankees) on a girls retreat to Teal Prairie Lodge in Pecan Island, Louisiana…yeah, you might want to Google that!

My Madre, Aunts, and Cuzans have been doing these for the past twelve years….This was my first. With the passing of my Grandmother in February, I am realizing just how short our time here is….my grandmother was one of seven and her sister is the last of the great ones. My great aunt is 89yrs old, she is still playing cards, laughing, and will still do a shot of Patron….she is a true BAD ASS . What I want to do is kick my own ass for missing out on all the memories from the past twelve years…..I only have my kids and husband to blame....I mean, myself to blame.

My Aunt and Uncle allowed us to use their Duck Lodge……it’s just beautiful and so serene. There were a total of 20 women or as Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey said last night when she got her weave pulled out…..there were 20 woman at the Lodge. These girls are “Fu-Funny”, kind, loving, beautiful, vivacious, sharing, gifted, drunk bitches! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. One of my Cuzan has this little book that she writes all the funny one liners that are said….this was such a great idea…I am totally stealing it! Thanks, Cuzan!!






We went on a field trip in the Duc Bus to the Coastal Bar, a SINGLE WIDE TRAILER...I mean a very exclusive bar..... We laughed, drank, sang, and played pool….we truly stimulated the economy of Pecan Island…your welcome Mr. President!


Here are just a few things that were said….. when I think of them, I just start laughing!

“Money…it’s made round to roll and flat to stack”

“Don’t burn that dress….I want to wear it tomorrow”

“Fried eggs and Vodka…what’s not to love?”

“I put my clear lax in my Mimosa”

“Do I have Vodka on my teeth?”

“Well….you just bummed the shit out of me!”

“If you put your hands in the air…the ride is more fun”

“Fu-Funny” – for f*cking funny-so clever

And the best was

“The saddest part about the party….is the parting”

Friday, July 2, 2010

She's leaving on a Jet Plane......


So...my Madre's Man(Mr. Blue Eyes) is a Private Pilot for a very wealthy family in Houston and they will be in New York for the 4th of July. My Madre called me last week to see if she could take Oldest to New York to meet Mr. Blue Eyes for the weekend. Our cousin just graduated from LSU and moved to The City a month ago(sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other girls) and Oldest has really been wanting to go see her.....so as I type, Oldest is sitting in the Airport right now on her way to NYC.
****I think calling Mr. Blue Eyes my Madre's boyfriend is just weird, because he is far from being a boy and they are so much for than friends...for whatever reason it just makes me feel icky calling him her Boyfriend....so from here on out he will be know as Madre's Mr. Blue Eyes**********



While Oldest will be LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA! Youngest will be spending the 4th of July weekend getting showered with Love from her Aunt....all she wants to do is go to Build-A-Bear and get a Parrot....She wants a REAL parrot, but says she will settle for a stuffed one!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

She Shines so bright...REDUX

I guess when you have a blog and when people read it, it isn't always fun to see yourself in a less than flattering light. I don't make this stuff up people...I just report it. Here is one person's reaction.....



(Parent) (12:37 PM): You were wrong in putting me in your blog, you took what I said and turned it around to make me look bad. The sad part was I had to explain to (Parent's child) why you did that. Really (Snarky Corner) what have I done to you for you to this!!

(Snarky Corner) (12:48 PM): Really? Really (Parent)?....I wrote what happened....the way it happened in MY BLOG. If anyone knows it was YOU....it's because YOU told them....If (your child) knows, it is because YOU told him. This is my personal BLOG...and as it states on my header
(Snarky Corner) (12:48 PM): A southern snarky mother's perspective of things that happen in her world
(Snarky Corner) (12:50 PM): It is MY PERSPECTIVE..... I don't use ANYONES names. I protect the innocent and guilty alike.
(Snarky Corner) (12:52 PM): You haven't done anything to me.....it was my reaction to what you said....while you may not have meant it the way I heard it...that was my reaction at the time.

(Parent) (1:14 PM): Yes I did tell (Friend) and we have talked about this!!!And the reason (Parent's child) knows is because he got on my ipad and seen it casue I had it saved!! And yes this is your blog but you know and I know and everyone else knows I was making a compliment to you about your daughter. You just decided to make it sound the way you wanted it to sound in your ear. (Snarky Corner) you're still messy and always will be, I really feel sorry for you that you think you have to put people down in order for you to be happy. Your still in High School and a very mean person deep down inside. So much for the compliment!!! You just leave me alone and keep me out of your childish blog .

And the hits keep coming.....I decided I am not going to reply to her Instant Message...because honestly all I really want to know is....How much does she love her IPAD....does it make reading my Blog a breeze? Is she Instant Messaging me from it right now? Ohhhh, how I want an IPAD!!! My birthday is in August...I wonder if McHusband would get me one.....

And so it goes...Old issues drug out and dusted off. It's great that we can use quotes from Real Housewives of NYC, but Jill Zarin I am not.....a Fat version of Bethenny, maybe! I'm really not messy, even cleaned out that one last closet in the hall. What I am is happy! I have a great life, great family, and the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for! Mostly I am grateful for a sense of humor that allows me to laugh and make others laugh....mostly...sometimes it gives people a stabby feeling
.




NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!!!!!

Texas Vacation-the final chapter



Oldest and the Rose started Opti camp Monday morning. Youngest and Lil K explored the grounds of the Yacht Club with my Flip camera....they created a new TV show and I am trying to keep it from PETA. It started with Youngest videoing one of the extremely OBESE squirrels sprawled out in a tree, youngest got a little to close for comfort and the squirrel got squirmy and came out of the tree...which caused Youngest and Lil K to run away screaming and laughing....they decided that their new show would consist of Youngest creeping up on the ducks, birds, lizards, fish of the Yacht Club and SCREAMING. You can understand my concern about PETA's reaction?

My mother has a FABULOUS condo in Seabrook, it's a place that heals the soul and puts you at peace while you are there. My mother has such a sense of style and impeccable taste, however it was severally damaged from Hurricane IKE and it took about a 1 1/2 years to get the entire Building repaired...and up until about 6 months ago my mother lived on her Boat. She decided to get rid of her boat about the time that the condo was ready...which then caused the equivalent of moving two households in to one at the same time. My mother was overwhelmed and just couldn't face the chore of trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Tuesday, I spent the entire day unpacking boxes, organizing bathrooms, the kitchen, and putting everything in it's place. When my mother walked in the door that afternoon, her reaction was priceless.

The rest of the time was spent much like this....








McHusband came and met us for the last part of the trip. McHusband turned 40 on the 17th....I called his favorite place(Hooter's) to arrange a little surprise Birthday dinner with our Texas people on Saturday. When I called to make reservations the Manager asked if I would like to put a message on their marquee. Well hell yeah! Anything to embarrass McHusband. The message "Happy Birthday McHusband..40 is the new 20". Hooter girls are pretty...not such great spellers but pretty. This is what the sign read:



So is 40 the new 20? Or is 40 the NENZO? I googled NENZO..ya'll, it isn't the new 40....but it is varent of Lorenzo....so is 40 the new Lorenzo Lamas? Just Asking









And this is how our vacation ended......





Oldest's friend said it's a sign....we should have stayed in TEXAS!

Friday, June 25, 2010

My Texas Vacation....part 1

This week I have been playing catch up at work....due to my Vacation last week. I have so much to say about Vacation with my Family.....so here we go.

Friday, June 11th. Youngest, Lil K(youngest's best friend), and I are headed to Texas to meet Oldest and The Rose(Oldest's best friend) after their week long Sailing Camp.

My vacation starts with a text from my sister that reads:
"Oldest hugged a boy...this is unacceptable!" my reply "Fucking stop it...stop it now!" Apparently in one short week Oldest has decided that not all boys are STUPID! One of these Sailor Boy's even tried to hold her hand on the Boardwalk! What the hell?

Saturday the girls and I drove up to my Dad and Stepmonster's house to do Father's Day with my Dad. Four girls and my Dad.....I thought for sure was a recipe for disaster! I was so wrong....he loved it, he loved them and they loved him. He even turned off Fox News...SHOCKER!!! The girls entertained us with storytelling, singing and acting...it was like our own personal Glee.

Sunday my Sister drove down and we gave my dad his Father's Day gift...a BOSE docking station for his IPOD, he was thrilled, surprised, and speechless! We went out to eat at Pappadeaux's then Stepmonster and I took the girls shopping....I even went to the Mall and didn't have a Panic Attack. WOOOHOOOO!!!! We headed back down to the Yacht Club that evening....Oldest and The Rose had Opti camp first thing Monday morning.

More to come soon!

Putting FATHERS on NOTICE!!!!

When your 12yr old daughter comes in the door bouncing with joy to show you her new haircut, which is absolutely ahhhhdorable....you smile and tell her how pretty she is! You don't look at her like she just killed a baby fucking UNICORN!!!! Especially in front of Momma Bear!!!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Holy Flash Flood!



There was a Flash Flood in New Braunsfels.....my friends are stuck at Camp Huaco Springs Campground....they barely made it to safety in time.....one of our friends lost their RV......the Camp Ground is a complete loss....there are people missing!!! There was NO WARNING!!!! My friends could have died...thank GOD they were Marines and Navy officers...and knew what to do under pressure. They saved lives and managed to get to safety. McHusband and I were supposed to be on this trip but Oldest had Sailing Camp....I am worried sick about my friends and feeling completely helpless...cause I am here and they are there!!!!! Mother Nature is a BITCH!!!!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Summer Toes



At last SUMMER is officially here!!! Oldest and her bestie started Sailing Camp, sleep away Sailing Camp to be exact...and this is the FIRST for Oldest and Bestie to be in another State, at a camp, and without a family member. This weekend consisted of pedicures, shopping, and lots of swimming at the Yacht Club. I purchased a lil go phone for Oldest to have at Camp...just in case she needed us, she was totally annoyed with me and thought I was being ridiculous.....and she gave me the whole "Mother, I am going to be very busy, we have something scheduled every hour, so please don't get your feelings hurt if I don't call you....I will see you on Friday!" I was left completely speechless for a few minutes...then handed her the phone and said "This is a just in case phone....just in case you need something from Nana or Nicolocity(her aunt)!" I got a major eyerolling...but Bestie, she knew what I needed to hear and she said "We will try really hard to call you and let you know we are okay!" I love that kid!!! Was that so hard?

I feel so blessed that my children are able to experience this life, however it broke my heart to drive away from The Club. Oldest and Bestie will be just fine....me, I am not so sure about.

Youngest started Violin Camp today....and they get to bring the instruments home. YIKES!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

We live in the South, yo!!!! You can't leave your DOG in the car while you go shopping at Target and Bed Bath and Beyond.

The girls and I were running some errands after work on Friday and one of our stops was Bed Bath and Beyond. We heard a dog barking from a Volvo parked across from us...with one window cracked about an inch and inside was the cutest lil dog and he was in distress...barking, then putting his nose up to the crack to get some air. I called 911 to report it, of course I have Sprint and their service SUCKS MAJOR ASS..so my phone drops the call, not once but twice. My girls are freaking out, they are worried about the Puppy and also worried about the owner finding out that their mom called the PoPo on them. This is the problem with our society....NO ONE wants to get involved. As I stood there trying to get reconnected with the Police, four separate women walked by...and they asked "Are you calling the Police about that dog? That's just so sad" I asked "How long do you think he has been left alone?" One lady said "Well, since we got here, probably about 5 or 10 minutes." I just looked at them and said "Why didn't you call the police?" and she said "I didn't know what to do." I said "What if it were a child, would you know what to do then? Same thing...call 911!!!!"

I walked into Bed Bath and Beyond with the licence plate number written on my hand. I asked the Customer Service Rep. to please call the owner of the Grey Volvo Suv with the licence plate number to the front of the store. Up walks Young Volvo owner...that I saw at Target...now I am PISSED. I asked her if that was her dog....and she said "Yes, that is my dog, why?"....I then explained to her that it only takes a few minutes with temperatures as high as they are down here for your dog to have a stoke and die....she then said "You need to mind your own business, I have only been in here a few minutes and he is just fine!" I explained to her that I saw her in Target about 15 minutes ago, two ladies that were shopping in Bed Bath and Beyond said he was barking when they went in about 10 minutes ago, and leaving him in the car MADE it my business, I have called the police and if she doesn't bring him home...I will go get him out of the car and she won't like the way I get him out! I told her...I wouldn't leave my kids in the car...and they can get out of the car on their own, he can't!!!!" By this time we have an audience in the Bed Bath and Beyond, and Young Volvo Owner leaves crying......I hope her dog shits in her hair while she is sleeping!!!!!

Please visit this link for more information

http://www.mydogiscool.com/x_car_study.php

Thursday, May 27, 2010

She Shines so Bright!!!!!



Yesterday Oldest's school held their Awards Program...Oldest got this Award for having all A's for the YEAR in these subjects. Oldest missed Banner Roll for the entire year by one freaking B....she was very disappointed in herself....my little over achiever!

I got a call today from a parent and it started so sweet...."Oldest looked just absolutely beautiful yesterday." And I was all "Awww, thanks...that is so sweet of you to call!" and then she said "I had no idea she was that smart, I mean my jaw hit the floor when I heard how many of her subjects she got A's in all year."

And there it is......I had to pick my jaw up off the floor....I had a very stabby feeling when I got off the phone.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Texas size Asshat!

This past weekend Cooney and I brought Oldest, Youngest, and their best friends to Clear Lake...Oldest and her best friend are doing Sailing Camp at LYC and they had to do their swim test and boat check in. I love going home to TEXAS, love spending time with my sister, mom, and all my friends. When I get ready to leave....I always get sad and pouty..sometimes I even throw little fits and I always cry when I go over the Baytown Bridge....

This past weekend some TEXAS size Asshat flew out of the Krogers parking lot and ran a red light...I had to slam on my brakes and get in the inside lane to avoid hitting him. When we passed him Cooney looked at him with her hands out...saying "What the hell..." Then the Douchebag got behind me and was riding my ass...this is on Hwy 146, it is hella busy on the weekends and the traffic was thick. The Douche Canoe then got in the center lane to turn and when I looked at him and said with my hands up..."Really?" He sped up and cut me off, jumped out of his truck and punched the window of my Suburban...barking and spitting like a rabid dog.

As luck would have it...there just so happened to be a TEXAS GAME WARDEN and a Seabrook Police Officer behind us(what are the odds, right!)...They witnessed all of this ROAD RAGE AND VIOLENT BEHAVIOR.....he directed Mr. Asshat back to his vehicle, got his statement....while the Police Officer talked to me......Youngest is in the backseat with her lil friend...and she is FREAKING out, I mean shaking, crying and nauseous..... The officer asked the standard questions and then asked us to move into the AutoZone parking lot, he was so sweet..he told Youngest that everything was going to be okay and he was there to protect her.

Mr. ASSHAT said that I flipped him off-which was a lie...I mean I totally flipped him off in my head and I did call him a DOUCHEBAG...but flip him off I did not. The Police Officer asked me what I wanted to see happen and I said I just wanted them to hold him long enough for me to get out of town, it was late and I needed to get the kids home....What I wanted to say was..."Could you tell The Douchebag that I would like it if he moved back to his homeland of Douchebagistan...that is what I would like to see happen!"

Now.....I have a theory about Mr. Asshat....my theory is:

Mrs. Asshat, who is busy with their daughter's swim team meet this weekend, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, getting ready for a busy week with the kids...asks Mr. Asshat if he could please run to the store and grab a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread for HIS children.....Mr. Asshat is busy watching a race, or is tired from fishing or golfing and really just wants to sit in his Lazy-Boy and relax...Mrs. Asshat has HAD it and she keeps nagging him until he finally does it. He storms off, grabs the keys to Mrs. Asshats White Ford Expedition EL and halls ASS to Krogers....where he slams the door and curses Mrs. Asshat the whole time he is inside the store...he is rude to the cashier...slams the door when he gets back in Mrs. Asshat's White Expedition EL and burns rubber out of the parking lot, runs the red light and comes face to face with this FATWICKEDBITCH....and it was more than he could handle and he looses his shit.....I just hope Mrs. Asshat is okay.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Pray for you! Jaron and the Long Road to Love

My friend S has been telling me about this Artist and this song....I'm Wicked, ya'll...and had to share with you. I love, love, love this song...made me laugh....and I needed a good laugh this week. Enjoy!!!!


Monday, May 10, 2010

I FAIL!!!!

***Disclaimer***** there will be lots of foul language in this post....read at your own risk

As a working mom....I fucking fail miserably and I fucking hate the month of May!!!! I will start by telling you that I LOVE my job, love what I do....but I fucking hate letting my kid down, I hate that my kid actually thought that I was not going to be there for her Field trip...when the note that we got clearly stated that the movie was starting at 10 AM but they started it almost 30 minutes early, and I get there to find Youngest sitting in the dark....crying because she thought I wasn't coming...I let her down!!!!! I fucking wanted to stab myself!!!

When I was a stay-at-home mom...I was ALWAYS there for my girls...they never had to worry if I was going to be there or not. I was at EVERY school party, volunteered to Chaperon EVERY Field Trip, picked them up from school EVERY day, volunteered to work EVERY School Fundraiser, Room Mother, Room Mother Coordinator, and taught CCD at Church. Now I have a JOB and I am that Mother that has to get friends to pick up the Girls from school, friends to go to class parties, friends to do all the things that I want to fucking do!!!! I hate that Youngest really thought that I just wasn't coming.....I know what that feeling is like.....that feeling that "Everyone Else's mom is here except for MINE!" and I am here to tell you that there is nothing worse than that feeling....and that Youngest felt it for just a second.... it fucking killed me.

I came back to the office crying my eyes out because I have all this guilt inside of me...the guilt that I am taking advantage of my Boss, of my friend....that I have had to take so much time off be it for a Hysterectomy, a sick kid(youngest's week long stay in the hospital last November), Orthodontist Appointments, Beta Convention, Teacher Appreciation, Doctor Appointments, Field Trips, etc....I feel like my JOB is less important than McHusbands, I feel like I have a JOB but I am also responsible for the girls and their birthday parties, tumbling, cheer practice, games, fundraisers, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, orthodontist appointments....cleaning the house, doing ALL the laundry....and I am feeling stabby and bitter....

Being a working mother is so fucking hard....maybe it would suck less if my girls were a pain in the ass, if I didn't like them so freaking much...but I do, I really do like them and want to be with them ALL the time, I don't want to miss A THING.....

I hate asking for help, hate feeling like I am taking advantage of my friends, hate that I feel like I am failing as a parent....this feeling SUCKS MAJOR ASS!!!!

Friday, May 7, 2010

May is kicking April's Ass!

I thought that I would never make it through April...with Birthday Palooza and all.....once again I am wondering if I will make it through May. When I open my calendar and see all that has to be done, I can't help but get a little twitchy and we are only one week in. It was Teacher Appreciation at Youngest's school this week, Tuesday both girls had an Orthodontist Appointment, Wednesday my Underwriter was in from Home Office, Thursday and Friday was spent in Lafayette for Beta Convention with 12,000 junior high students, Saturday was my lil cousin's Birthday party, followed by McHusband and Hot Cousin hosting a Crawfish Boil for their Mothers for Mother's Day, which meant...I had to speed clean the house and put on my Hostess pants, when all I really wanted to do was put on my comfy pants and get in my bed and wish the world away, but NOOOOOOO.

Next week is the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon for Oldest's school and I have found myself on this committee with a virtually non existent budget.....Thank God for Josh Roger's owner of OB's Bar and Grill...who has graciously agreed once again to supply a Fabulous meal for our Teachers. Monday is Youngest's Field Trip, Friday is Relay for Life, which I am a Team Captain with my friend G, then Saturday Youngest and I are off to H-Town for her first Doctor's appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist. The following weekend we will have to go back to Clear Lake for Oldest to take her test and rig out her boat for Sailing Camp....all the while trying to hold down a job, cleaning the house, doing ALL the laundry for 4, and cooking.

Today is Mother's Day and I got up at 7am with the Dog...let him out to go potty, fed him and started a load of laundry.....McHusband is sleeping in on this special day...I am feeling a bit stabby right now and as soon as he gets out of bed I am going to put myself in timeout...going to hold up in my room-that is if he ever gets out of bed..

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Bitches with Brushes




Some of the Staff at Oldest's school organized a Painting Party. I volunteer in the office once a week and they were sweet enough to include some of us moms...one of the ladies has a Very Talented Artist for a Son and agreed to be our instructor, the theme was Fleur De Lis (of course). "A" drew the Fleur De Lis' on the canvas and we painted. S's painting was exactly like her...it was OVER THE TOP FABULOUS, J's was ...DARK & WILD...just like her. Cooney's was much like her...CONSERVATIVE & RESERVED. I am not sure about mine, not really sure what it says about me...if in fact it says anything about me...but I will tell you this much..I enjoyed the process of painting it, the exploration of colors, the combination of colors, and the depth that each stroke added to it. I could easily become addicted to painting......

Friday night M & L, Cooney & Hot Cousin, Me & McHusband played Taboo and Things. I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time! Girls kicked the guys arses and that made it even better!

It's not very often that our house isn't full of giggling, screaming girls...but this weekend Oldest and Youngest were both out of town. It was nice to have some "adult" time. Oldest went to my sister's for a little one on one time and Youngest went with one of her BFF's to a Dance Competition...both in H'Town. I miss them both terribly and I can't wait for them to get home and hear all about their weekend in the BIG CITY of Houston.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cleaning out Closets.....literally and figuratively

After Birthday Palooza...I was really hoping for a nice gloomy, rainy weekend so I wouldn't feel guilty for watching movies and just couching ALL weekend. I actually prayed for rain and gray skies...but noooo GOD brought beautiful blue skies and breezy days...so my dream of a guilt free weekend of being a total slacker ended!Saturday Youngest and I set out to do some yard work. I started with trimming hedges and cutting dead ginger....I made it through the entire flower beds without incident until I got to the holly then I was stung by a bunch of bee's! Yard work was OVER after that!!!! Like my friend "J" says "I freaking HATE nature!!!!"

I spent my Sunday cleaning the house and doing laundry, because for some reason I am the only one in my house that knows how to get to the laundry room. I complain when no one helps me clean but to be totally honest...NO ONE can do it like I can...and I actually enjoy the process of cleaning and it gives me time to myself...because the amazing thing about my family is they all seem to disappear when I breakout the cleaning caddy....it's simply magical.

Monday morning when I went to wake up Oldest and Youngest for school, Youngest was running a fever, had an upset tummy, and was super snotty. I called my boss and told her one of my lil chics was not feeling good and I was keeping her home. I thought, finally I can just couch..be lazy, watch mindless TV for the day and just cuddle with Youngest....but noooooo! My house was all shiny and clean except for Oldest and Youngest's closets. They were starting to look like something off of TLC's Hoarders and were about to spill out into their rooms. I started in Youngest's room, with her on her bed...we went through her clothes first, sorting what we would pass down to her cousin's and what would go to Goodwill. Then we moved on to toys, stuffed animals, etc. I was amazed at what little emotional attachment's she had for STUFF...where I looked at everything with "Remember when...."

One down, one to go. I was on a roll and feeling a total sense of accomplishment. I moved on to Oldest's closet and I almost shut the doors and walked away....it was overwhelming. I took everything and I mean EVERYTHING out of her closet, I moved rods and shelves. When Oldest got home from school she and I went through all of her clothes and then her basket of stuffed animals and toys.....again I was amazed at how easy it was for her to let go of her stuff...we loaded everything in Bertha (my Suburban) and headed off to Goodwill.....and it got me to thinking......


I have this Metaphoric Closet that I have to clean out every now and then...I believe much like clothes and toys...sometimes there are people in our lives that just don't fit anymore...or like toys, just don't play with anymore. These people are still good(for someone else), still have a lot to give(to someone else)...I guess you could say I am all about "REDUCE - REUSE - RECYCLE"!

Does anyone else feel this way?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Birthday Palooza!


Holy Birthday Palooza am I glad this weekend is over!!!! I am not really sure what I was thinking 12 and 9 years ago...when I gave McHusband a very small window of opportunity to impregnate me and amazingly enough he managed to do it within a few days of each other....which has turned out to be not so great....9 years later. Oldest and Youngest's birthdays are 5 days apart.....Which leads to BIRTHDAY PALOOZA..When the girls were little they didn't mind having their Birthday parties together, they quite enjoyed it actually.....now they have gone and grown up on me and don't want to share the spotlight anymore...How dare them!!!!!

Friday night Youngest had 10 of her closest girlfriends over for a slumber party....McHusband fled the scene with his extremely hot tattooed cousin-yes I know this sounds dirty...but he is HOT, so stop judging me!!!!! Yelle(Girls Nanny) and Cooney(Belongs to Hot Cousin) came to lend their support and to help me with the parties. The girls had a picnic in the backyard, played red rover, kickball, blew bubbles, and just had a blast. Once it got to dark to see outside, they came in put their jammies on....Youngest opened her presents, we did cake, they sang Justin Bieber songs and danced like a bunch of wild and crazy girls. One little girl had an Asthma attack and had to go home...it was scary and it prompted a confession and cleansing of the souls of the rest of the 9yr old girls that were left....they were terribly worried about their little friend and were troubled about anything they may have said or done to her in the past that may have hurt her feelings..... The next morning they ate donuts, played hide and seek, chalked on the driveway, drove the golf cart around, and blew more bubbles.....Then Youngest was off to a birthday party for one of her friends, where she painted a grey cat on Canvas...she wants to sell this painting to a friend of ours...because Friend has a grey cat named Grey and why wouldn't she want to buy it?

I cleaned up the house in preparation for Oldest's birthday party. I treated 8 of her closest friend to lunch at Que Pasa, then it was off to Prien Lake Park....the girls flew kites, played kickball, walked around the park and played at the playground. These were the sweetest girls EVER! There was no bickering, no sassyness, no eye rolling, no boy crazy annoying behavior, no DRAMA!!!!! Several of the girls spent the night with Oldest and they watched movies and just chilled.

It was a crazy busy weekend with lots of girls....EVERYWHERE!
A friend asked me Sunday.."How do you do it, Why do you do it? Don't they drive you crazy?" My answer to her quite simply is "How Could I not?" I believe that my children will cherish these memories FOREVER, they will relish the fact that our home, our lives will always be open to their friends and their friends families!!! I have met some of my best friends through my children....I love that my girls want to bring their friends home and that their friends feel comfortable enough to walk through the door...look in the pantry, open the fridge, kick their shoes off, flop on the couch, and make themselves at home.....

Friday, April 16, 2010

We the People.......

Let me set the scene for you. Calcasieu Parish School Board purchased the old Sam's Club Building and completely remodeled it....and it is beautiful. The Assembly seats roughly 230/280. The meeting started at 4:45, by 4:30 there was not an empty seat in the house, there were people lining the outside walls, there were children sitting on parents laps, friends sharing seats, there were children sitting in the front on the floor, and there were people sitting in the isles. There were so many people there that they called the Fire Marshall!!!! I thought all the people he removed from the hall would leave...NOPE they stood outside and they listened quietly and waited for their turn to be heard. I have never been so proud of my community, never so proud of our Teachers and Administration! We were a UNITED front...we came armed with information about the Immersion Program...both French and Spanish. There were 27 speakers on the Topic of Cutting the Immersion Program, most of which were our Children....these Children are THE FUTURE LEADERS of our communities, country,and companies! They were well spoken in both French, Spanish and English. They spoke passionately about the Immersion Program and what it has done for them, and the role it will play in their futures. I believe what the School Board members saw....Was that these children and their parents were a FORCE to be reckoned with. At 8:08 PM, with ALL 12 School Board Members voting in favor of keeping the IMMERSION PROGRAM....We the People were heard and We the People made a difference.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Budget Cuts my ASS!

I have the worst headache right now, my jaw is clenched tight and I can feel my blood pressure rising. I just got an email letting me know that Calcasieu Parish is proposing another round of Budget Cuts and that the FRENCH/SPANISH IMMERSION program will be one of them. Oldest and Youngest have both been in the program since kindergarten and have excelled in learning a second language....now our School Board wants to cut this program. A program that is proven to raise standardized test scores...not to mention that bilingual children are more willing and able to learn a third language, or perform better in math and logic skills than children with just one language, that learning a second language helps children build self-esteem, creativity, problem-solving skills, and math ability or that being taught in two languages gives children a head start in competition for universities and jobs.

Studies have also shown that those that are fluent in two languages rather than just one were sharper mentally. Thanks to technological advances in brain imaging, scientist have recently discovered that the processing of different languages occurs in much of the same brain tissue. However, when bilinguals are rapidly toggling back and forth between their two languages-that is, in "bilingual mode"-they show significantly more activity in the right hemisphere than monolingual speakers, particularly in the frontal area called the dorso-lateral prefrontal cortex(the source of the bilingual advantages in attention and control). This expanded neural activity is so prominent and predictable on brain scans it serves as a "neurological signature" for bilingualism. Finally, neuroscience research is showing promise for evaluating and treating bilingual patients who lose the ability to produce or understand speech after a brain injury. Research is showing that rehabilitation efforts that use BOTH languages, not just ONE-even a patients native language-HOLD THE GREATEST PROMISE FOR RECOVERY

Youngest has been seeing a Neurologist since May 2009, she was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation Type I and a Seizure Disorder. When Dr. Sconzert found out that Youngest was in the French Immersion program he was so excited and explained to Youngest that learning another language and being Bilingual strengthens the brain...that learning another language is like "Food for the brain and makes it very strong!!!" He told Youngest that if she ever feels like quiting the French Immersion program that she needs to remember that....Youngest had been sleeping in our room since she had her first seizure, when Dr. Sconzert told her how "Strong" her brain is...she started to sleep in her room again and hasn't looked back.

HELLO CALCASIEU PARISH SCHOOL BOARD....Have you done any research of the benefits of having two languages? Is it really worth a few dollars? I can think of a few other area's that you can cut...call me.

13 Years down.....many more to go!

So, Yesterday was McHusband and my anniversary and we spent the afternoon shuffling kids to and from Tumbling, doing yard work, laundry, cooking, cleaning house and cars. There was no Romantic Dinner with just the two of us...no Anniversary Gifts....just the two of us doing what we always do EVERYDAY...and you know what? It was FANTASTIC, it is just how I like things to be....it was the same as any other day in our life....it was teamwork and isn't that what marriage is all about? I have a few friends that take these trips every year for their Anniversary(without their children)...and while I think that is great(for them)..they tend to be a little judgey when McHusband and I don't take trips away from our girls. Why is that?

McHusband and I both feel that we had these girls for us to raise and take care of....one day they will not want to spend time with us, they will hate family trips, only want to hangout with their friends....and when that time comes..then McHusband and I will take trips alone without the girls, we will enjoy our time together.....McHusband might go Hunting without us and I might have a night or two away with my girlfriends...but until our girls are older and have no room in their lives for us...we will not be taking trips without them, I am not going to waste my vacation time by spending it without my children. I joke all the time that I need to get away from my girls, that I need some time alone...but the truth is I don't want to be away from them for a second...Eyerolling, backtalking, whining, fighting, hanging on by a thread and all....

I talk about running away but where would I go? I love my crazy world and wouldn't trade it for anything!!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hanging on by a thread

Oldest is turning 12 tomorrow....she is becoming a woman right before my eyes. She is beautiful, charming, smart, vivacious and right now we can't hold a conversation without yelling at one another....and the looks....she no longer hangs on my every word, I am not her hero anymore, I am not the one that can make everything okay. I am now the enemy, I am the dream crusher, I am the happiness destroyer. We used to laugh....and talk so much Youngest could barley get a word in. Now we drive to school in complete silence.....I can't look at her without getting angry and she can't look at me because I have disappointed and confused her......How did this happen, why did this happen? I never wanted my kid to look at me the way I looked at my parents...why did I think I could escape that? I thought that she would always come to me when she was down...tell me when something was bothering her....if she was scared. Now I feel like she doesn't want to tell me anything...and if she did would I even hear her right now? My heart is heavy and all I can do is cry. I hope we make it through this part...right now I am feeling weary and beaten. For the first time in 12 years...I feel like I am failing Oldest and this feeling sucks.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Whatcha talkin bout Mr. Johnson?



I am so afraid for our country...even my 8 year old knows that an Island can't "Tip over". I am not sure how the General held his shit together......my filter would not have worked...is Mr. Johnson for real? The Island is going to tip over? This is just laughable....Mr. Johnson needs to pack his shit and leave the country NOW!!!!!! Who elected this man?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Goose Bumpy Feeling......and smiles!!!




A blog that I follow got me thinking about this song.....Lindsay raised a question about falling in love with a song....having an infatuation that is not your spouse...and I totally do that, you know fall in love with a song...I court it and I am devoted to it forever....my new crush is "Hey Soul Sister"....it makes me smiley and happy every time I hear it....

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Jesse...you are a dirty boy!



You used to be dirty hot...now you are just dirty!!!! You were that super hot bad boy.....now you are just bad!!!! Was it the pressure of being married to Sandy(who, we all know is just the most perfect woman..EVER!) that drove you to have sexy time with those Skanky dirty girls....I had to shower after just looking at them....aren't you worried about your boy parts? This last skank is the last straw!!!!! There is no telling what all she has placed in her lady parts and can we talk about her name?!?! Skittles? Really Jesse? Skittles? Shame, shame, shame on you.

Jesse...you need a spanking...and not in the sexy time spanking kind of way!

Friday, March 19, 2010

FAT WICKED BITCH

When I first entertained the idea of starting a blog, I polled all of my(and there are many) incredible, smart, beautiful, funny, snarky, creative, loyal friends to give me some suggestions. When I finally created My Snarky Corner...it only seemed right because I am the definition of "Snark". However the other day some LOVELY registered me to a few porn websites....and my user name is "FAT WICKED BITCH".....how freaking clever is that?!?!?!?! I have to tell you, when I opened the first email from pichunter.com and saw my user name and password....I LAUGHED SO HARD AND SO LOUD, I am shocked that my work neighbor didn't come in to check on me....I then said out loud "Well played.....well played!" So now I am thinking that maybe I need to change the name of my Blog to FATWICKEDBITCH(even though the Lovely that signed me up for this porn site misspelled Bitch-bictch?)

I have copyrighted FATWICKEDBITCH...can't you just see it on a Vintage T(plus size of course), bumper stickers, coffee mugs, beach towels(scratch that, beach blanket...you know for the FAT GIRL.....bath products(but only in large VALUE sizes.. for the BIG GIRLS)......Power to all the FWB's in the world.

I raise my BIG BUBBA CUP up to Lovely...I wish her success in all she does.....I think she should write a How To Book...on seeking revenge against the people that have pissed you off....because registering people I don't like to Porn Sites has never even occurred to this FATWICKEDBITCH....