Monday, December 27, 2010

Mr. Not so Shiny

When I was talked into this Boot Camp thing by J, Legs, and Poppy; I really had no freaking clue what I was getting myself into....and now I am 4 weeks in and I can't believe it's already been 4 weeks!  I am the complainer...the one always making a face or comment about how bad it sucks and how it is NOT more fun than watching TV, curled up in my Big Ass chair(which is getting bigger and bigger everyday) and drinking wine or coffee or VODKA!  I have to fill my pain with humor, snark and's who I's what I do! It gets me through the pain.....that all these bastards healthy people are putting me through!

Last week J and I did something really smart....we went to Core Fusion on Thursday night(forgetting that we had Boot Camp on Friday morning) and Mr. Not so Shiny John was the Instructor....p.s. J and I were the only ones that showed up(other than Allie and Ms. D) you ask yourself if they went easy on us....I mean it would only be fare since we were ohhhhh so dedicated to not being FAT and FORTY that maybe he would be nice...NOT!  Also...John aka Mr. Not so Shiny is Ahhhhdorable...he has those really sweet eyes and when he smiles his whole face oldest would say...."He has a Face made for a smile!" Well that sweet face is deceptive....and when I left there...he was so not my friend!

Friday morning at 5:15 AM we have Boot Camp..and who else but Mr. Not So Shiny is there to greet us....seriously why am I paying for this?  Oh yeah....I have lost 5.4 lbs in the past 3 wks and another dress size so I guess it's worth all the abuse I endured!  I set a goal for this whole Boot Camp thang...that I would drop 17 pds in 14 weeks....I am 11.4 lbs away from that goal and I just know with the help of Alli and Mr. Not so Shiny...I am totally going to kick my goals ASS!

I have to say as much as I complain and tell J that I hate her and we are breaking up....but I'm so keeping the earrings...I secretly love this whole exercise thing....the feeling I have when I leave....or when I get home...and through out the day...well, it's almost better than Patron........speaking of my lover Patron.....we are on a break!  I did have a glass of wine last night(only to finish the it didn't go bad....I'm going green and trying not to be wasteful) but to tell you the truth....I think I am sort of on the Wagon........I used to love to have drinks...lots and lots of drinks...but now...not so much.  Weird....could it be all these changes that I am putting myself through.......that I have lost that loving feeling for my lover Patron?  Don't get me wrong....I'm not going to meetings or anything like that.....but right now I am so focused on not being FAT and FORTY....that I can't be bothered with the drinks......McHusband is tickled shitless...cause now I'm his he can drink like a fish swims and know that he will be safe and sound with Sober Suzy as his driver! 

I can't tell you enough how much I like Alli.... I really want to not like her, John and the rest of her staff when they are making me do things I didn't think my body could do...or when I can't sit on the toliet or when I can't bend down because I am so sore.....but to be honest there is no other place I would rather become a healthier person at...they aren't judgy least not to my face....they may laugh their asses off when I leave....but at least they wait till I am gone..... and that's just nice, Ya'll!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

H F H.....ho f*cking ho!!!!

I totally have the Christmas blues and I can't seem to shake this funk that I am in......I will start by saying that Captain Douche Bag Mchusband has been working some FU-CRAZY jacked up hours and I am starting to feel like a Single Parent...which I totally didn't sign up for!  Also....people are just down right rude during this Holiday Season...What gives?  Why does the Season turn so many in to total ASSHATS?

Sunday the girls went to Lafayette with I planned on doing Christmas Shopping and wrapping all the gifts....which I have yet to buy!

Monday I was at Ross and a lady ran over my foot with her shopping cart....then 3 minutes later another lady ran over the SAME foot with her shopping cart...and before one of you smartasses says something about me laying in the middle of the isle....I wasn't!!!!!! The second lady looked at me..and I was all "Really, you just ran over my foot with your shopping cart....why are you looking at me....did you want to apologize?".....and I swear to you she said "NO"....and walked off.  I did a WhoooSawww...took my items to the front, checked out and went home...waving my white flag! 

It's down to the final hour for me to get my shopping I head to Target yesterday...where I spend about 2hrs doing ALL of my shopping!  Oh, how I heart Target!  Oldest wanted a pair of Toms last year she said these were dreadful shoes when I mentioned she should get some  .....this was on the TOP of her list...and absolute have to have item.....and because I live where I live there is only one place that sells TOMS and it is a trek! I get a phone call from VKB....youngest is running a fever, crying and wanting her mommy...yes me!  Again, WHOOOOOSAWWWWW...deep breathing....I can do this....I can do it all....I'm not going to snap, I'm not going to snap....VKB meets me in Crowely...get the girls and turn around to head back home.......get youngest settled in my bed and start wrapping Christmas......I finally finish about 1:15...and even got to see Captain Douche Bag McHusband.....Oh, yeah...while wrapping gifts...I cooked, did 3 loads of laundry, washed the sheets on Oldest's bed and made the bed for company that will be here TODAY!!!!!  The icing on the Soniccare toothbrush FUCKING I had to brush my teeth like a freaking cavewoman....God is testing me and I am an EPIC FAILURE!!!!!!  Upside is this morning at 5am I got up..opened one of my stocking stuffers and beat the shit out of the air with Billy know it's bad when I resort to working out!!!!! WTF?

Buttah is in the hooooouuuussssee!!!

Some of y'all know me, and some of y'all don't. So let me give ya a little run down! My name is Buttah. Snarky Corner and I have been friends for 11 years now. Her Oldest was only 11 months old when we met, so I have had the priviledge of watching her Lovelies grow up! Snarky is my BESTIE!!! She has been there for me through thick and thin! How did we meet you ask? We were working out at Curves here in town, and we always went in at the same time. First time I laid eyes on her I thought, "She looks like a total bitch." And funny thing, she thought the same exact thing about me!! Well, one day we happened to fall into a conversation and learned that we had a ton in common. So we started walking at the Civic Center after our workouts and we have been friends ever since! Snarky is such an important part of my life, she was also my birthing coach since Beer Man, my husband, was of no help since he passed out when I told him my water broke and had a major panic attack until C-man, our sweet little boy was out. Snarky was there for me, 4th degree episiotomy and all!! She truly knows me inside and out, pun intended!! Don't get me wrong, it hasn't always been peaches and cream...we have had our ups and downs, but we are each other's sticky booger....ain't no shaking either one of us off! I couldn't imagine my life without her!

So now that you know a little more about me then some care to, on to my thought for the day.....Be positive!! I know that we all have hard times in our lives, whether they be emotional, financial, medical, whatever, that we get down and out. That we can be Negative Nancies. But you know what? Not only are we down, but we can also bring others around us down. And I know that some of these situations can be pretty bad, and it might be hard to find something positive to come from this negative situation, but dammit y'all, the only way to get out of that funk is to be positive!! If everyone that was told they had cancer just rolled over and gave up, then we wouldn't have the joy of celebrating great things like Breast Cancer Survivor walks, or any other cancer survivors for that matter, cause there would be none!! We would all be depressed and the world would be nothing more than an ugly shade of gray!! Gray is a nice color, but come on now....who wants to look at that 24/7?? If I lost my job today, I wouldn't be dependent on the damn government for unemployment wages, I would go be a greeter at the Wal-Mart until I found something that suited me better, "Welcome to fucking Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!" See, I would totally be good at it!! But do you get my drift? Take something bad and make it better!! You know, the whole lemons and lemonade saying!! And add a little sugar and vodka to that....and it's a party y'all!! I have a friend that has a saying at the end of every email he sends....Think positive and life will become positive!

So yesterday, Snarky texts me about someone in her life that is totally bringing her down with all of their Negative Nancy-ness. And I know this person, so I could totally understand where her concern was coming from. My response was this, " you know, if negative people spent as much time being positive as they do being negative, they would attract way more positiveness and would discover bliss!" I know, pure genius right?? But it's the truth!! One can only take so much negativity for so long before it starts to affect them and their relationship with the negative person!! You can feel their nasty aura coming a mile away! So much, that it makes us twitchy just to hear their voice!! My whole point to all this....stop being so damn negative, or we are gonna start shipping y'all to a deserted island and y'all can all be miserable asshats together!! I'm just kidding of course, but those of us that try to find something good in our day, something to smile about, some good in our heart to spread to someone else.....want all of you negative folks to think twice about what you say, and do. Because your shitty mood....affects everyone around you, and the way they in turn think about you, and treat you. Besides, you could always have it worse than you do.

Be thankful and appreciative for what you do have and the people that love you! Be positive! Life can only get better! There is always tomorrow to look forward to. I'm about to break out in song y'all....."The sun'll come out...tomorrow!!" I do that sometimes...sorry! Snarky has learned to hear my beyouteeful singing voice all the way down Ryan Street!! I will stop rambling now....your regularly scheduled programming will resume in 3....2....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pay it you believe?

I am a big believer in Paying it forwrd....are you? 

An Elf by the name of Josh Rogers just came in my office....donating the Christmas Meal and a little something extra for the Breaux-Perkin's family.

Josh's generosity continues to leave me absolutely speechless. Josh is the main reason that there is a "Snarky Corner" was his character that was attacked....that I felt needed to be delt with! I love him and his wife...and they will always hold a special place in my heart! 

P.S. Please go pay  Josh at OB's Bar & Grill a visit!

From the home and hearts of Jennifer Breaux and André Perkins,

Christmas time is here at last. It will the be the second Christmas for us this year, as we had a true Christmas-in-April. Two days before Easter, we were blessed with the greatest gift- custody of Andre's four children. They are wonderful kids and bring joy to us daily. Prior to living with us, they had experienced little in their lives, so nearly everything is exciting and new to them. Raised in a very isolated and restrictive environment, they had never experienced the joy of celebrating a birthday, learning to swim, or even going to school. They came to us nearly illiterate. The children had been "home-schooled" and lacked even basic phonetic skills and had never even heard the word science. The lack of development was severe- the twelve year old was unable to read words such as 'milk' or 'rice.' It was very hard to deal with on an emotional level. I took for granted how lucky I was to be literate and educated.

They were enrolled at Prien Lake Elementary and S.J. Welsh for the final six weeks of last year. Both schools have been wonderfully accommodating to their situation, and the kids are making leaps and bounds. The younger two children, Andre and Akeilah, have both become "A.R. Reading Heroes" at Prien Lake and are very proud of this accomplishment - Akeilah wears her AR dogtag constantly. When I walk in a room to see them reading leisurely, I am overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. Akyrrah, the older girl, now plays clarinet and hopes to join choir. Jeffery, the oldest, loves sports, but was unable to play due to age restrictions, though he made both the football and basketball teams during tryouts.

We are so luck to watch them grow, learn and dream. I hope to remind everyone to never take for granted the gift that is an education.

André and I have all we could have asked for this Christmas, but I can't say the same for the kids. It has been an uphill battle to keep them however. Doctor bills, tutoring, the constant need for new school uniforms (they grow so fast!) and the lawyer fees (still accruing) have put a strain on our finances. The kids understand and are not expecting much, but it would be wonderful if we could give them each something, even if it's small. They're really good, sweet-natured children.

Left to right: Akyrrah (13), Akeilah (9), Andre (11), Jeffery (15)

Jeffery (15): the athlete. loves the Saints, football, basketball, plays piano and the drums
Akyrrah (13): our girly-girl. Plays clarinet, sings, loves doing hair and accessories (boots, purses, hair clips, etc.)
Andre (11): our little soldier. Loves GI Joe, adventuring through the woods, and play swords. In Boy Scouts
Akeilah (9): the artist. Loves to paint, sculpt, just create things in general and is now an avid reader!

Hand-me-downs are great, especially school uniforms!
Boys wear L (12-14) & M (8-10) size shirts; 16 & 12 size pants.
Girls wear M (10) & S (6-7) size shirts; 12 & 8 size pants.

I hope your Christmas is as blessed as ours.


Jennifer Breaux & André Perkins

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Zumba is not for this White Girl

My enemy friend, Angela calls me Tuesday morning and is all "Hey..Zumba tonight at Spar, want to go" and I'm all "Hey lemme check with McHusband and I will get back to you." Oldest and I went and met Angela for Zumba. I have seen the infomercials and I have watched countless Youtube videos....and I am thinking this will be will be so much fun...NOT! Lets just start with this: NO ONE should ZUMBA without first going to Happy Hour! I have always thought that I could dance...I could totally shake my groove thing with the best of them. I looked like I was having a SEIZURE...not to mention...I forgot the basic fundimentals of LEFT and RIGHT....seriously...ZUMBA made me completely loose my mind. Not to mention I had Oldest there laughing her ass off at me....real boost to the Self Confidence! In the end...I did sweat but not really sure it was because of the workout or the utter humiliation of it all! Zumba should be done in the privacy of your own home with all the doors and drapes shut....not in PUBLIC!!!!

Project Fit...Core Fusion...Boot Camp...OH MY!

Tuesday I did a Core Fusion Class at Project Fit. I wasn’t even really sure I had a core…but Thursday when I tried to get out of bed…I found my core and it was sore…in fact I was quiet sure that McHusband had beat me with a baseball bat while I slept…he denies this of course,so I only have Allie and Project Fit to blame.

I let J talk me into doing this Maintenance Boot Camp for the next 14 freaking weeks! J and Legs came and picked me up at 4:45 AM...yes you heard me correct...I said 4:45 AM and we headed to Project Fit. Little Miss. Poppy Cock was there and her friend The Bunny too...and somehow I managed to wedge myself in between these two fitness junkies! Seriously half way through this I am thinking...WTF have I done...this is NOT more enjoyable than watching my DVR while drinking coffee, snuggled with my blankie in my Big ASS chair! Good new is....I didn't die and I finished....while I may not have been pretty doing it...I did it and finished. I did try and kick The Bunny off her ball...but when she said she would fall and fake an injury...I was all "OH BUT HELL NO!!! will suffer right along with this FAT girl!" I may have told J and Miss. Poppy Cock that I was going to break up with them about 300 times! I secretly loved the class and I am really enjoying this new found energy that I is amazing what happens when you loose a 4th Grader! I had to set a goal for Boot here it is. My Goal for the next 14 weeks is to loose 17lbs. I am working my arse off and I just know I can do it! As Allie says "It's all about the Climb" Of course this is coming from Ms. Project Fit herself...and if she weren't so damn nice...I would hate her guts...but as it stands she is too sweet to hate! Check out her website at

Halloween recap....

I totally forgot to share with everyone about Whore O Ween Halloween. October 31st is my friend Cooney's birthday...which to me is just hysterical because Cooney is scared of everything it a spyder, ghost, zombies...whatever, she is a big chicken butt! With that being said...I love her guts! Hot Matt(her man)planned a nice dinner with friends to Lake Charles' finest Mazens....and we had a lovely meal and afterwards Cooney and friends were going out....and she asked McHusband and I to join them. Let me start this by's been like 13years since I've been to a bar. We went to Bourbanz a shithole dive of a bar a very exclusive bar in Lake Charles.....and much to my surprise; almost every woman in that bar was dressed like a WHORE...and I do mean WHORE! Honestly I thought we were at a nudey bar ya'll! Lucky for me Cooney and Julia were there and they are equally as snarky as it was great fun. At one point this girl walked in, in a prison dress...very realistc right..cause they wear dresses in prison, she started doing a lap dance on some poor homely girl that was wearing a sash and tiara that said it was her Birthday......I do have to say that Prison Girl had a smokin hot body and we were ALL enjoying the show she was putting on....I was DD and drinking water(trying to set the stage for you)...When Prison Girl turned around I dropped my water....because she had a face that would scare a grown man in PRISON! If fact I thought she had a mask on...but no it was her did get even better with Prison Girl...she went to the bathroom and returned to the dance floor totally getting her groove on again...with toliet paper on her stripper boot! PRICELESS!!!!!!

I missed the memo on Halloween turning into WHORE O WEEN....and I am a little pissed that no one warned me before we went out! I loved Halloween when it was scary...or even funny...but this WHORE O just time I will be prepared with my camera because it must be recorded for us all to enjoy.